Best Album: AM by Arctic Monkeys

Hot damn, these boys. I remember when they were pimply and floppy haired and playing Oasis covers in whatever basement would have them. Now they’re all slick-coiffed and wearing leather. Their time in the desert with Mr. Josh Homme continues to do them well. Highlights include  the “question trio”, started with last year’s early release rockandrolla anthem “R U Mine?” (A: “Um, sure?”), followed by “Do I Wanna Know?” (A: “Yes, fuckkkk, yes!”), and rounded out by “Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?” (A: “For reasons. Sexy reasons.) The rest of the tunes, including the absolutely perfect night-driving anthem “One For the Road”, make this the album I have been waiting for since Humbug. Combined with a smashing set at The Paradise Rock Club in Boston, Mass., it’s been the Year of the Monkeys, music-wise, so much so, I became one of those girls. (P.S. An older Monkeys track that has made a surprise comeback for me in 2013 is “Brianstorm” off 2007’s Favourite Worst Nightmare.)

 

Best Video: “***Flawless” by Beyonce

Do I really need to say more about this? Sweet fancy Moses, no video has captured my id so well since !!!’s “Must Be the Moonlight”. This is, honestly, fucking flawless. From her amazing outfit, to the perfection of the hook (“I woke up like dis…”), to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie basically saying everything about being a successful woman in today’s society. “We say to girls, ‘You can have ambition, but not too much.'” The first time I watched this video, I actually cried. And then I danced around the room and felt fucking amazing. The way Queen Bay released this album, with no fucks to give, makes this entire album basically about one one message for me: Ladies, we flawless.

 

Best Live Show: !!!, The Sinclair, Cambridge, Mass.

I am stupid happy that The Sinclair is fucking open. I rolled to this show by myself, specifically because I am selfish and needed to completely focus on losing my fucking mind. Chk-Chk-Chk rarely comes to Boston, so when they do, you can bet I’m going to be there, on the barrier, dancing like a maniac. I can’t even talk about how awesome the show was, because it’s so personal, so private, intimate even. All I know is that I got whipped by Nic Offer’s mic cord (stupid hot, almost as hot as Nic’s blushing apology afterward), my gin ‘n’ tonic was spilled more than once and replaced more times than that, and I got butt-boosted onto the stage for the last jam by a delightful gentleman (Note: Seriously, Jesse, he was a gentleman, didn’t even try to feel me up on the way.)  who was stronger than he looked. In short, a fucking amazing night, and I would recommend it to anyone. Just don’t expect me to babysit your purse or jacket — come prepared to dance your ass off.

 

Best New TV Show: Sleepy Hollow

This show was a surprise to me — I watched it on OnDemand as a time-killer some weekend, and got promptly sucked in. A combination of the “man out of time” trope (with Ichabod Crane waking from a magic grave to track down the Horsemen of the Apocalypse) with a Fringe-type procedural, with amazing chemistry between the leads the like I haven’t seen since Mulder and Scully, it’s a great watch. Orlando Jones (who plays our intrepid duos beleaguered boss with a painful past) kills it as the biggest fanpoodle ever on Tumblr and Twitter, and raises the game for any actor-creator-professional interacting with fandom. The man should teach a master class on how to treat fans respectfully while still having a damn good time. For once, the interactions with the “talent” online don’t turn me off from a show/movie! It’s the fucking future!

 

Best Returning TV Show: Arrow

Stephen Amell could be Orlando Jones’ TA for the Fandom Interaction Master Class. He posts Q&As on his Facebook, says what he means and means what he says, posts pictures of his insane workouts when he’s still sweaty and miserable, and does great work for cancer charities. On top of that, he’s bringing his A-Game as Oliver Queen this season, killing the nuances of a wonderfully complicated character with an extraordinarily complicated life as both Oliver and his alter-ego the newly rechristianed “Arrow” (ne “The Hood”). The supporting actors are bringing it, as well, with David Ramsey’s Diggle making it happen for me in so many ways. The only beef I have with this season is the inconsistent treatment of Laurel Lance, played by a seemingly exhausted Katie Cassidy. Between the terrible writing and the really bizarre styling choices, there is no way this Laurel is going to end up being Black Canary. (That’s okay with me, though, because between Emily Bett Rickard’s take on Felicity Smoak, Oliver’s EA by day and his proto-Oracle by night, and the surprise of Sara Lance coming back from the dead and kicking misogynistic ass all over the place, I’m doing good for ladies on this show.) The introduction of “powers” into the universe this season is awesome (Uh, Barry and Roy, anyone?), and I can’t wait to see what they do with the Deathstroke plotline and, uh, well, everything! (And I didn’t even mention the hotness of Oliver tripping Russian off his tongue like it’s nbd. Ngggghhhh!)

 

Best Movie (Theaters): Pacific Rim

It’s the goddamn Iron Giant come to life. Well, without the sentience and Cold War stuff, but there is no way that Guillermo Del Toro didn’t hork Brad Bird’s concept drawings of IG for Gipsy Danger. I have so many ridiculous feelings about this movie, including wide-eyed dissertations about the globalization of war and the fact that if you watch really closely at the fight scene between Charlie Hunnam’s Raleigh Beckett and Rinko Kikuchi’s Mako Mori, you can see them aping each other’s fighting style, foreshadowing their drift compatibility. (You can see Raleigh take down Chuck with Mako’s signature face-slap and twist-and-sweep in a scene shortly thereafter.) Actually, everything about Raleigh and Mako’s epic friendship is amazing. I love the fact that Mako is a true heroine, trying and failing at her dream of piloting a jaeger, being completely and absolutely fascinated by Raleigh, but keeping it platonic. Gosh, thank you, GDT. THANK YOU. If anything, the epic romance trope was picked up by Charlie Day and Burn Gorman’s scientist duo — you can’t tell me that their pigtail pulling wasn’t preamble to some total ridiculous and awkward make-out sessions.

Best Movie (OnDemand): The Canyons

Listen, do not even start with me. This was a goddamn surprise highlight of the year for me. James Deen was mesmerizing. I can’t even talk about this movie without making incoherent noises. He was amazing as Christian, an absolutely lizard of a human being, the personification of Hollywood’s underbelly. And Lindsay Lohan, barely keeping it together underneath a veneer of LA cool as Tara…honestly, I really don’t know why people hate on this film. The off-screen drama just heightened the experience for me. There were so many bits where you could see the tension just snap and pass into something transcendent. I really think that Paul Schrader’s work on this trainwreck in a dress was highly underrated and completely overshadowed by the media machine surrounding the production. Highly recommended, and a welcome addition to our DVD collection.

Worst Movie: Spring Breakers/Star Trek Into Darkness (tie)

Look, I thought Spring Breakers was going to be a comedy. A dark comedy, sure, but a comedy. Don’t ask me why. Honestly, it was like watching a Greek tragedy. I wanted nothing more than to talk to my high school mythology teacher about the ~symbolism~ of the direction and cinematography. If I could sit through another showing of this cringe-fest, I’m sure my mind would be blown. Nothing tops the threesome scene with James Franco’s Alien deep-throating two silenced guns, though. You can see the moment where he just gives in and basically goes for it. Holy crap, Franco, you self-referential douche-b, how can I hate you after that?

 

And onto the fucking sham of a movie that was Star Trek Into Darkness. I had super low expectations for Star Trek 2009, and was blown away. It was a perfect Alternate Universe take on the insanity that is ST canon, and I really enjoyed the fact that it took the character of James Kirk, who I have always hated, and made him actually sympathetic and interesting. Chris Pine shows up for STID, as does the rest of the cast from the 2009 flick, but that’s about all they do. JJ Abrams takes a classic story that was perfectly told already with the TOS episode “Space Seed” and the movie Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan and completely and utterly fucks it up. I have a love-hate-fuck relationship with Benedict Cumberbatch, so I was hoping that the rumors were false that he was rolling as a white-washed Khan — but I was sadly let down. The thing about ST canon is that while it’s mental, it’s so rich. There were many ways for JJ and his Band of Merry Assholes to take that story and turn it on its head, but he screwed the pooch. This movie made it obvious to me how much he hates the source material, and truly hates the fandom. For those nerdpoodles like me, I say that he could have easily made Cumbersnatch’s Khan into one of the other augments (How awesome would it have been if one of the pod’s destroyed was Khan’s and Bendysloot ended up being his second in command Joachim or some other crazypants fucker?) without fucking with a POC character and pissing off a bunch of people. Also, I straight-up laughed at Zachary Quinto’s Spock screaming “Khan!!!” after finding his bro Kirk dead. Only redeeming feature of the movie? The fight scene between Quinto and Bendy Dick Cum On My Baps where they both just lose their fucking minds and beat the snot out of each other.

Worst TV Show: Teen Wolf, Season “3a”

I get it, Teen Wolf is not meant to be quality television. But it wasn’t a total guilty pleasure, either. I enjoyed the first two seasons’ supernatural aspects combined with attractive twenty-year-olds pretending to be teenagers. Season 3a just shit all over the characters, and highlighted the fact that showrunner Jeff Davis is a complete cunt and has no idea what he’s doing. Too many new characters, killing off all the lady villains while letting the dude villains stick around, and shitting all over poor Tyler Hoechlin’s increasingly despondent Derek Hale. I had the ~pleasure~ of attending the first Teen Wolf fan convention in London this Fall and making googly eyes at how much the actors realize how ridiculous their jobs are, and that was the only shining moment in an otherwise shitty year for this show. (More from the convention is here; it’s a fucking delight.)

Album I Bought and Didn’t Listen To: Franz Ferdinand’s new one

I don’t even know the name of it. I might have opened it? I don’t know. I basically just buy their albums out of guilt for listening to a bootleg of them from their first album from German radio that remains one of the best live shows I have ever listened to and not attended. Honestly, talk about one-and-done. I’ll just pretend they broke up after the first album and keep playing this jam over and over again. Thanks.

Worst Live Performance: Wicked, Apollo Victoria Theatre, London

OMG, did I hate this show. I hated everything about it, from the music to the stage direction, to the costuming, to the arrogant little fucks sitting next to me whispering throughout the entire thing. Why do people like this shit? No, really? WHY?! It’s put out that it’s a feminist anthem, but it’s really just about a terrible love triangle where everyone is a complete asshole and no one wins in the end. Fucking terrible.

If you’re interested in more ridiculousness from me, you can find me on Twitter having virtual arguments with Jesse while we sit next to each other, seriously discussing things like traffic patterns in the Greater Boston Area, and random moments where I get introspective about misogyny.